Jobs Our Resurrected Lord Couldn’t Keep


Line Cook

His almighty mane could not be contained with any earthly hairnet.

Jimmy Johns Delivery Bicyclist

Jesus was fired after three written warnings for taking too long delivering subs, mainly due to the way he stopped and chatted with every beggar, prostitute and leper he rode past.


Jesus abruptly walked off the premises when he heard one too many water into wine jokes.

Mortician’s Assistant

The Funeral Home was shut down barring an investigation following several reports of resurrection at their visitations. Jesus was unfairly blamed for this by the owners when it was actually the Devil’s handiwork.


The Messiah’s shift leader suggested he find another vocation after moving twenty-two customers in a row to repent instead of moving them to purchase a home gym system in six easy installments.

Substitute Teacher

Jesus resigned after growing uncharacteristically angry at a group of seventh grade boys during sex ed. He spent the next four months in the desert.


The other lifeguards went on strike demanding the Redeemer’s termination for violating safety standards by walking upon on the water without his red bodyboard. Jesus, not looking to cause trouble with the management and respecting the rights of the workers to collectively bargain, hitched a ride back East.

Rue 21 Associate

Jesus just didn’t like it.

Pro Wrestler

The Nazarene’s only cage match ended with the opposing wrestler prostrate before him begging forgiveness while the frenzied crowd demanded blood sacrifice.

Parkng Ticket Writer

Jesus thought at first that he might not have the stomach for the job but he managed to get in touch with his Old Testament side and eventually began to take pride in his work. Unfortunately, budget cuts led to him being unceremoniously laid off.



* Originally published on The Higgs Weldon.